It’s an understatement to say it’s been a while since my last post. I made this blog when I was unemployed to both serve as a creative outlet and to prove my ability as a web designer – something I had hoped to make a freelance career out of. I imagined a very involved schedule for the site, something that would mirror the schedule of a full-time content creator. In fact, being unemployed gave me a lot of big ideas for things that would each be full-time jobs in of themselves. Mixing this with trying to learn everything I could to change careers, a big dose of imposter syndrome, and some good ol’ fashioned depression was a recipe for failure. I had quit my job that was burning me out only to push myself in 4 different directions and burn out harder.
I managed to drop all that to get a certification for yet a different job, and then after a few years there left that job to pivot back to programming. I’ve gotten engaged, I’ve moved, I’ve rescued a cat and bought a house. It’s been…a lot. But as I get more stability in my life I’m hoping I can return to some of the big ideas I had earlier in a smaller, more manageable form.
The easiest thing would likely be more writing – like this! I like discussing the things I watch and play the way video essayists do but my fiance’s ear can only take so much. I’ve had essays bouncing around in my head, but the moment it comes to actually writing it the perfectionist writer’s block comes out. I’ve also struggled to find my personal writing voice. Writing always tempts me to do more flowery, dramatic prose and to sound like a pretentious lecturer, but reading and watching others then makes me turn around and pepper in jokes and winks. It’s a tonal back-and-forth that can only be smoothed out with more practice which I just have to… do. If anyone’s reading this, I hope you bear with me till then.
As I slowly get all my things unpacked and set up, I would like to do cosplays again. I’m still wary of conventions and I don’t know when that will stop being the case, but I miss the process of building costumes. I’d also like to start streaming, either these costume builds or playing through my long backlog of games. Consider it virtual body doubling to push my ass to actually do these things.
If you’ve made it all the way down here – thank you! Genuinely! I don’t have my sights set on being a big vtuber or twitch partner or whatever influencer, but it’s also a bit demoralizing just throwing things you make – creative things to try to express yourself to others – out into a void. I appreciate the time you take to read my words and look at the the things I make. I just hope I can reward your time with something enjoyable and interesting.
